As of 2:34 AM on Saturday morning (New Years Day), I had already done the following:
1. Danced with Matt
2. Smiled with Matt
3. Laughed with Matt and Katie and Richard
4. Watched a movie with Matt and Richard at Matt's house
5. Cuddled with Matt
6. Held Matt's hand
Sigh.
So obviously we talked about it. That same day, actually. And we decided, once again, to not hold hands anymore.
But that's what we decided the last time, and it obviously didn't work. Usually when I make I good, right decision, I feel peace inside. But there was no peace this time. None at all.
I went to church at 1:00 being consumed in all my thoughts on the subject, and Integrity, and all the people that I feel like I have neglected the past month, especially my family.
Part of my neglectfulness came from a certain person in my family. This person caused so many powerful emotions to rise within my soul. I was angry and sad and worried, all the time.
Matt became my escape.
He makes me so happy. I can't even express to myself how happy I am when I can be with him. Whenever we are with each other, it is happiness. All complete happiness. Even at wal-mart.
Eventually I could see past the anger and sorrow and the worry.
But that didn't stop me from wanting the happiness. The complete happiness like running into the ocean for the first time and letting sand between your toes. The warmth of the sun, even though it is only 5 degrees outside. That kind of happiness.
I mean, who doesn't want to be happy? I can only think of Eeyore. I don't want to be "oh bother" all the time!
In Young Women's yesterday, our lesson was about being a Daughter of God. We talked about loving, loving our neighbors. It was then that I realized that I had given everything to Matt, and close to nothing to everyone else. Sure, I still loved all the other people in my life, but did they really know that just by the way I treated them in December?
So last night Matt and I drove around and talked some more after David's open house. We discussed and shared and pondered. We decided. If it isn't something that best friends would do, then it isn't right. It isn't wrong, but it isn't right.
My mom helped me understand that concept. One day it will be right, but right now the Prophet has told me that it is wrong. In the For the Strength of the Youth book in the dating section, it tells me not to steady date. For Matt and myself, holding hands means steady dating.
We came to the decision that we would not only stop holding hands, but stop touching each other so much. Now all you that are worried, it was always our shoulders and upper arms, just so you know. We also shared with each other how very hard it may be at times. I know that now we both know how the other person feels about everything, it will indeed be a New Years resolution that can be kept more easily.
After we came to our final conclusion, I felt peace in my spirit. When I read my scriptures shortly after, Heavenly Father re-affirmed my feeling of peace by telling me to be at peace because I listened to Him and He forgave me.
In David's farewell talk (which I did not hear), he spoke about Repentance. At BYU he discovered that repentance isn't just saying "I'm sorry" when you have done something wrong, but it is continually striving for a better relationship with God. The relationship that I neglected the most in December was my relationship with the person who gives me everything that I have. Today I described to Carri that it was like walking through the fog; you can only see what is right in front of your face, but sometimes not what is maybe five feet in front of you. If you are comfortable enough in the fog, you can make it through just fine. Luckily I am comfortable in the fog. Even though I wasn't "seeing" what was five feet in front of me, sometimes literally, I still knew that it was there and that it would help me.
"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord." (Luke 4:18-19) I know that Christ was sent to this earth to fulfill these verses, and do many other miraculous things. I see him fulfilling these things in my life daily. I am so grateful that I have this knowledge and that I can recognize it. I am also grateful for my best friend who helps me everyday in every way to live my life so I can be closer to God. It may sound crazy because I have said that we held hands and that it is not a right thing; but the right thing comes when you make the right decision together. I am grateful that I can talk to my mom about these things. But most of all I am grateful that my Heavenly Father is there for me to talk to. He is my Greatest Friend, the one to be help above all the others. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to Joseph Smith, who was the instrument of bringing the fulness of the Gospel back to this earth and it will never leave again. I know that we have prophets today that are the watchmen on the tower, warning us of things that we cannot see through the fog. I love the Lord with all my heart, might, mind, and strength. I know that I am a Daughter of God who loves me for who I am. And guess what? I love Him, too.
1 comment:
Way to go!
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