A full heart

Today my heart is full of the love I have for my Heavenly Father and the love He has for me.

Why? Because I have the Holy Ghost to guide me through my daily life. The past few weeks have been especially needful of the Spirit.

Do you remember my post about the two people holding hands during lunch? Well, the story was really about me. With that said, I'm sure you just figured out everything else out.

The story was altered a bit to make it make sense and not be obvious. We (Matt and I) held hands while watching Harry Potter during our Harry Potter marathon. It was almost shocking, and we are both still dazed from it. And we can't stop smiling.

It has been an interesting time. I have been a happier person all the time. Even with dress drama, family drama, and class drama, I have not been able to stop smiling. It is nice to know that Matt actually really does like me. You all probably think that I am crazy.

I don't think I have ever felt the Holy Ghost more than I have in the past three weeks. The day after the first time we held hands, I had a lesson on Chastity in Young Womens. Mostly we talked about how we don't need a boy to replace the love of our fathers who may not be giving us all the love we need. Love and belonging is a basic human need. Even when our fathers do not show us the love we desire, we still have our Heavenly Father who loves us more than anything else.

In reflection to holding Matt's hand, I knew that I didn't want to hold his hand because I needed love; I KNOW that my Heavenly Father loves me and I don't need anyone else to fill that need. So, my relationship with Matt became more complicated after that realization.

I had a week of serious thinking and reflection, and so did Matt. One Thursday we shared our thoughts with each other, and we were thinking the exact same things. I know that it is because of the Holy Ghost that we were able to decide to not be boyfriend/girlfriend. It was such a relief to not have to worry about Matt wanting me to be his girlfriend. I can tell you that if that is what he had been thinking, I would have gone with it. And that is not a good thing.

We were on top of the world, soaring high above every other person. At lunch we had our own bubble that we lived in. I honestly didn't care much about anything else going on. All I cared about was seeing Matt walk into the lunchroom.

I am such a teenager.

When we were around other people, I knew right where the line was. The Holy Ghost told me when it was okay to hold his hand. It didn't happen frequently. While watching movies, yes. During lunch around all my friends, no. Walking down the halls of school, never.

In my set of mini-scriptures, I highlight words that are words for Christ red, "joy" and anything like that yellow, and "repent" and anything of the such green. As I read my scriptures as normal for three weeks, every time I highlighted the word "repent" I thought about holding hands. I felt every time I read that word that it was not the smartest thing in the world to keep it up.

And Matt had the same feelings. He reads the New Era every morning while eating breakfast and usually doesn't get anything out of it. But this morning he felt like we should not keep it up.

The Holy Ghost is amazing.

Today I woke up at 4:45 to pick up my dear friend Landon who I love very much for an early morning breakfast and then to get him to seminary on time. I had gone to bed the night before at 10:30, and the night before that and the night before that and the night before that. Needless to say, I am exhausted today. This makes everything very heightened.

Katie wanted star bursts today, and Matt appeared while we were making our way to the vending machine. When we got to the vending machine, I leaned on Matt for fear of falling over dead because of my tiredness. That's when he told me that we needed to talk.

I knew what he was thinking. We do share a brain, so it makes sense. So Matt and I ate his food (I didn't have time to make my lunch this morning) and made our way in the windy coldness to talk.

This is when we decided that as much we want to hold each others hand, it is not the best thing for us right now. The best idea for us is to continue being best friends and building stronger relationships with all our other friends. Sure, it will be hard to stop, but it will be worth it.

It's not easy for me. When I went to Colla Voce (which I was already dreading) I thought I was going to be okay. But then I saw all my friends and I just wanted to cry. I almost did, but class was starting. During class I had a few moments where I had to stop singing because the tears were coming. And it wasn't because of the decision with Matt. It was because of my tiredness, the thought of the music being perfect, and then Matt.

But really, I am okay. This is what Heavenly Father knows is best for me. Maybe it is because He knows that Matt and I will become too attached to each other and then holding hands will become more than that. It will start going further down the road and end up losing each other as friends. And that would suck.

So if you are confused, Matt and I are just best friends.

And that, my dear blog readers, is why my heart is full today. I know that I am loved by many people, but ultimately my Heavenly Father. He will guard and protect my heart; He will always be guiding me, even through seemingly small things like holding hands with one of my bestest friends in the entire universe. He knows what is best.