Inexpressible

Inexpressible are the feelings that I am feeling right now. But, for myself, I am going to try to put them into words.

First and far most at this moment, I feel peace. Where did this peace come from? It came from the decision I made to ask Brother (President) Callister for a priesthood blessing after school. I almost backed out of it, but Katie, being the amazing friend she is, helped me. We walked into the seminary building with Katie's dad and found Brother Callister in his office. Someone was in there talking, so we waited a few seconds.

When it was my turn, I walked in and asked for the blessing. And I cried. I bawled. Tears of peace and comfort streamed down my face. Peace entered into my heart as I once again found that Heavenly Father really does love me and care for me. Although life is tough, he watches over me and those that cause my soul pain.

Second I feel love. I feel love from my Savior who atoned for my sins and knows what I am feeling. He can feel sorrow from one person, and then inexplicable joy from knowing that I am on the right path, the path that leads to Eternal Life.

I feel love from my friends, especially Katie and Matt. This morning I walked into Seminary dragging my feet from sorrow and she knew exactly what I was thinking. I shared with her all that I was feeling, from sorrow to anger. She assured me over and over that she will ALWAYS be there for me.

In English we had the unfortunate opportunity to share our opionion editorials with a group. Katie and Carri were my group, thank goodness. My editorial happened to be about the thing that has caused my soul so much pain. I cried in English. Katie and Carri held me and we cried together.

When I saw Matt walk into the lunch room wearing his parka, I hurried over to him. We just kinda stopped in front of each other and I told him I wanted his parka. Then I hugged him and he hugged me back. I wore the parka for comfort all through lunch, and I didn't even have to tell Matt what I was thinking. All I had to say was that I was sad.

Later I was sitting in painting, waiting for the bell to ring. The swim team was supposed to leave around 2:20 and it was 2:30. I had figured that Matt would say hi and bye to me before he left (because he knew I was sad), but I hadn't seen him. Just as I pratically lost hope, I heard a familiar voice call my name. I turned and there he was! I stood up and ran, yes ran, to Matt and we hugged once again. Now, this isn't because I want to touch him, this is because of all the other things I am feeling. Anyway, he held me for a moment and told me that I could call him. My friends love me.

Third I feel sorrow. Heart-wrenching, the pit of all sorrow sorrow. The kind of sorrow that pulls your heart like a candy maker stretching taffy. It pulls at every essence of who you are. I can actually feel it pulling me. When I told Katie, I touched my heart and it felt as though you really could feel it. My sorrow in tangible, like dirt.

Fourth I feel anger. Why did all this happen? Why do you have to make my soul sink in sorrow? Why did you place your burden on me? Don't you know that it ate my soul? Don't you know that I am not the one that is to feel your pain? It's yours, don't give it to me.

Fifth I feel compassion. I will be here for you. And I hope you can see that.

Sixth I feel joy. I am happy to know that I am walking down the right path. I am happy to know that living the standards helps my life to be filled with joy. I am happy to know that I will not cause taffy-pulling pain to those around me because I live the standards. I am happy to know that I am Daughter of God, and a daughter of parents that have always been there for me. I am happy to know that I have the support of my family and my Heavenly Father.

How's that for a woman?